So, lately I've been thinking a lot about my plans for my life and what I want to do and where I want to go and who I want to be with and I've decided this: I really like to be in control. I find that I often am white-knuckle hanging onto control and structure in my life. I like to be in control of my situations, the people around me, my feelings, etc, etc and it is utterly and completely exhausting to try and control everything. Not only is it tiring, but so often I feel like such a failure because I cannot get control my life. A relationship is tense, my grades aren't good, I can't get an internship, something is always lacking or not what I want it to be. I feel like there is something that I should be doing better, or something I should be saying, or more energy I should be pouring into a situation, and the truth is, I'll never grasp control of everything.
I can never control everything because it's not my job to be in control. I tell people all the time that God is the Blessed Controller of all things and our job is to accept His ways, His outcomes, and His timing. I think this semester is really teaching me how to know that in my heart and not just in my head. I told some of the freshmen last week when we were registering for classes to hold onto their plans loosely and to be open and flexible because you don't always get what you plan for, and sometimes it even turns out to be better, so don't get discouraged. I need to apply that to the rest of my life: to hold my plans and my idea about how things should be loosely. There is nothing wrong with making a plan and being intentional with the direction of your life, but the danger comes in trying to take on a role that isn't your own: the Controller.
So my goal for the rest of the semester (well the rest of life, really) is to live with open hands, to hold loosely onto the things that Lord blesses me with and to choose trust instead of fear during hard times, when things don't go according to my plans. Open hands I suppose is also a sign of surrender, a yielding to the Lord, a sign of trust with the things that are important to you. It's counter -intuitive, but I am learning that when you live in trust with open hands, then you are living more securely than if you were clutching your will and your plans tightly. Now that I am growing up and preparing for entrance into the real world, I have a lot of decisions to make and a lot of things left unplanned, it makes me nervous, but I am choosing to think of it as an exercise of faith instead of a creeping unknown future.
Psalm 19:21
Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.
No comments:
Post a Comment