I want to put this down so that I never forget...
I can't eat
I can't sleep
I feel desperately lonely
I cannot explain myself
I've been like this for the past 3 or 4 weeks
and it's been awful
terrible
Caroline thinks I'm in love (Which I KNOW that I'm not)
Derek thinks I want to be in love (Also not true)
Kate thinks I'm in love with Jesus (True, but probably not causing this)
In truth, I feel like a shell of a person.
I don't enjoy music,
or food,
or sleeping,
or dancing,
or anything that I normally take pleasure in.
It's almost like I'm living in a world of faded colors. It's awful.
Something is wrong.
And I have no idea what it is.
Perhaps my conscience is telling me that I'm doing something outside of God's call on my life.
Perhaps Satan is attacking my heart.
Perhaps there is something medically wrong with me and I'm going mad.
All I know is that I am in desperate need of the peace that can only come from the Lord my Father.
I haven't felt this....hollow since before I was a Christian. It feels like I have that God-shaped hole opened back up in my heart.
I forgot how lonely it was back then.
Maybe this is so I will never forget what life was like before I fell in love with Jesus.
I do know that whatever is happening now, or whatever will happen in th future, but I am continually drawing near to God because I know that He is the only One who will rescue my heart.
I can feel Him building up my perseverance, and in turn my character, and in turn my hope.
I can feel him using my suffering to mature me, so that I am not lacking anything.
It is a comfort to know that God is molding me closer to him even through my suffering.
Sometimes, when I'm alone with God, and I can feel His presence heavy on me like a warm blanket, I lie there, on a brief vacation from all that troubles me, and I know deep down that He's still there. Watching my pain and watching my faith. It's strange, but at those moments, I'm so grateful for this rough season. Grateful that I am able to show the only man I've ever been in love with just how deep my love runs.
I have not been this desperate for God's presence in my life for a very, very long time.
It feels wrong to give advice
It feels wrong to lead
It felt wrong to speak at the Warehouse last night
knowing that something is not right in my heart
but I suppose I cannot wait to be perfect to step out in faith. I'd be waiting for forever.
I am lucky enough to be surrounded by people that I can be honest with, that I can tell them that I don't have it all together and that I am struggling right now. People that don't look at me any different because of it, but instead pray for me and comfort me. It makes me feel less lonely inside.
And my prayer is that I never forget this feeling
ever
that I never lose this desperation
this dependency on God
It makes me sad to think that God has to lead me into the desert to make me desperate for Him
(Kate would be laughing at me now because when I described to her how I felt she quoted Hosea 2 to me and I told her she was wrong. Well she was right, like always)
Jesus, I'm sorry.
I long to hear you speak tenderly to me.
