Waves

whew! what a day!

for those of you that don't know...I'm in Cancun, Mexico for my grandparents' 50th anniversary celebration. (50 years! Wow!)

so today my Dad and I went scuba diving...finally! It's been 2 years since my last dive and I have missed the bottom of the ocean terribly. So I was so happy to be going out. It was also my first two tank dive as well.

A two tank dive is where you have two tanks of air to use. You go down at one dive site and use one tank of air, then come back up and boat over to another dive site and go back down using the other tank of air with a short break in between. So essentially it is two separate dives.


So I'm getting super excited (and a little nervous as always) as we're are heading out to sea. It is SO beautiful out there! The sun was shining and it was a warm 85 degrees outside. The water was bright blue (like I imagine it would be on Malacandra). It was perfect.


But then...as we pass the reef (which blocks most of the big waves from the mainland) the ocean starts to get crazy! the waves get so big and we are all going up and down, side to side. It was very much like an unpredictable roller coaster.

At first, it was kind of fun. I stood near to the bow and held tight as my stomach did flip flops. I was enjoying myself.

But then it started. I felt SO sick. And as a person who has grown up on boats, i have never gotten sea sick or motion sick ever. So today was a whole new experience for me. I walked back to the back of the boat taking in deep breaths trying to get my stomach to STOP flip floping and to settle down. I kept looking into the waves and begging them to stop being so large and tossing me about.

I took a quick survey of the other divers aboard the boat (in all there were about 25 other divers and 7 or 8 instructors out there) and I could tell that I wasn't the only one affected. People had started puking over the side of the boat and others had sprawled themselves out lying down in random areas. It was terrible, absolutely terrible. I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to dive.

when the boat was stopped, when we weren't moving, the waves we still big, but they weren't as bad as when we were moving and heading into them. I was thinking that I wish we could have not moved at all. It still wouldn't have been good but it might been a little less painful. But we pressed on anyways...

One of the men who worked for the marina taking pictures and video and selling them afterward, Rafael (who is one of the nicest, goofiest people you'll ever meet), looked at me and saw that was not okay. I was miserably looking out into the waves and drawing deep breaths of air trying to keep my breakfast down. He asked me if I was okay and I said that I felt sick in my stomach and that I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to dive. He told me that I'd be okay and that everyone always feels much better once they're in the water (this greatly relieved me). But he also told me that if I kept my eyes on a stationary object that it would make me feel better...Something about the fluid in my brain being swished around so much and making me sick. His logic didn't make sense to me because it wasn't my head that hurt but my stomach, but I decided to try it anyways because I felt so miserable.

SO
Depending on which way the boat was turned I kept my eyes on a large hotel on the horizon or a large fluffy cloud in the sky, or something that didn't move.

and you know what, I felt so much better. The sickness went away completely. I felt fine. It was incredible. Rafael was right.
Now keep in mind that the waves weren't getting any SMALLER. the waves were still just as BIG as they were before. I just felt better because I was looking at something stationary.

At first, every now and then, my gaze would wander back to the waves but the sickness would return and I would immediately have to snap my gaze back to the clouds or to the buildings on the horizon for it to subside again.

I also found that I had to be ACTIVELY gazing at the object. I couldn't just let my mind wander as I stared or the sickness would come back. So I found my self counting windows on the buildings or finding shapes within the clouds, or anything I could to keep my gaze active.


The toughest part for me about this whole strategy though, was that I could not look at people. I wanted to check on my fellow passengers to see if I could help them or to study the people as I normally do, but I couldn't without the sickness returning and so I stayed focus on the object I was looking at.

I tried to tell the passengers nearest to me what Rafael had told me about looking at a stationary object. Some listened, others were too miserable too even try. The ones who listened (like my Dad) felt a lot better and had a better time. The ones who didn't just stayed miserably ill on the floor or seat or wherever they were hunched over.

the worst was this little boy of about 12 or 13 that was diving with us. After our first dive (and it did feel TONS better to be in the water) he really started to feel bad back on the boat. He was with his Dad and he started crying and wailing out in pain every now and then (yes, it was that bad...if I were 12 I would probably have wailed too). This little boy was one of the people who didn't listen to what Rafael had told me and so all I could do was sit there with my eyes fixed on one of the hotels and listen to this little boy cry and wail in agony. It was terrible. Everything within me wanted to give him a hug and MAKE him look at something stationary.

He ended up going home after the first dive.

After a while I got used to keeping my eyes on the objects. And even when we got into calmer water again inside the reef, I still looked at the objects out of habit and practice.


It was a good day to dive :)
but it got me thinking...



It's a lot like life.
Where the ocean is the world and all it's problems are the waves.
If you look at the waves that are huge and tossing you about, you start to feel really really sick. Because in our hearts, none of us live permanently within the reef. We're all out in the big water.


And it isn't until we learn to keep our gaze focused on a stationary object that is outside of the world, an object that isn't moving, that we fight the sickness and the tension is released and we feel the beautiful peace that comes from that surrender.

for some people (especially Christians). Fighting the waves is so tough. They've found that they would rather stay still in the water so that although you are far from feeling good, the pain is less. (this is an idea that is explored in the silence of Adam). If you don't move into the waves then the sickness (while still present) is more manageable. But God calls us to move into the waves of life...but He does not expect this of us without giving us a stationary object to look at to relieve the sickness.

well, in our situation the ONLY object that is immovable and the only thing outside of our world that we can look to is Jesus.

Notice also how I had to ACTIVELY look at the clouds and I couldn't just set my eyes there but not my mind. And I did anything to keep my gaze active.

Well that is the a picture of the fellowship that we share with Christ. That's when we seek Him in the Word, journal, pray, or spend time soaking in his presence. That's how we keep our gaze active as we are looking to Him.

And He doesn't promise us that the waves will get smaller or more manageable, they will still be the same size. But because our focus is on Him and not the waves, we will not feel the sickening, dizzying effects of them. That is our trust (or faith) in Him.

It's hard sometimes to look to Jesus instead of other people, but people cannot give you the satisfying intimacy of grace that only God can give. It is unfair to expect that from other people and heartbreaking to God when we want to look towards other people (to look towards politicians, church leaders, boyfriends/ girlfriends, close friends, family members) instead of to Jesus. We can share our new found knowledge of Christ and his power, but we cannot sacrifice our own gaze towards Christ to look to other people...even with the most noble intentions. Sometimes all we can do is listen to them wail in agony because of their stubborn ways...


But Jesus is faithful, He takes care of those who follow Him and those who look towards Him in fellowship and surrender. I was thinking about all this on the boat today and about how often I look towards the waves instead of to our Stationary Object. For me, my sickness is fear. When I look at the waves in my life (what I'm going to do after college, how should I love so-and- so better, etc) I am consumed with a dizzying fear that makes it hard for me to focus on much else. It's hard for me to remember that Jesus offers me Peace if I would but actively gaze towards Him.


So I come, yes I come...

to tell you I love you,
to tell you I nee you,
to tell you there' no better place for me than in your arms .

to tell you I'm sorry
for running in circles
for placing my gaze upon the waves and not your face

'Cause you're the only one who gives me peace
yes you're the only one who gives me peace

I love your peace Jesus :)

Ashton

I was looking through some of my old files today and I found this.
For some reason my sister, Ashton, needed me to write something about my relationship with her for school or something and when I found it today in class I almost started crying. So I thought I would share it with you because I love my sister dearly.

And anyone who knows my story can see how truly awesome God's healing abilities are...

Ashton

My sister Ashton is one of the dearest, gentlest people that I know. Being 3 ½ years younger than me, we have not always gotten along very well, but today I am proud to call her not only my sister, but my friend also.

Even from our earliest childhood together we have been very different from one another. I liked to explore creeks and fight the boys while she preferred to play with her dolls and dress up like a beautiful princess. Let’s just say that the room we shared together was an interesting mix of our personalities. But as strange as she was to me, I have always loved Ashton very dearly because she is my little sister.

Today, we are still very different from one another with our interests and personalities, but our differences only make our friendship stronger. Me, with overpowering enthusiasm and an uncontrollable mouth, and her, with a shy attitude and a gentle disposition, we have a perfect balance in between us. I hope that I have succeeded in being a proper example for my sister amidst all of my failures to her as a individual, whenever I have lost my temper or allowed my pride to say things that I don’t mean. I hope that she has been able to learn something positive from my influence and example in her life.

I look forward to seeing the young woman my sister will grow, and is already growing into right now. I look forward to seeing the man she will marry, the career she will pursue, and the children she will mother. I am very excited for her life because I know all of the potential she has to be a very great and influential woman. I am very proud of her and I love her very, very much.


I love you Ashton :)

Beauty from Ashes

I, a fair maiden
Strong, independent
Uncaring, unfeeling
Yet I was broken.

I lived and studied
I laughed and played
Yet I was dry, I was empty
I was fake

I was once invited to a ball
They said we were celebrating the King
“What king?” said I, “Our country has none.”
But nobody answered me.

I went anyways

When the doors opened for me at the castle
I was astonished!
What splendor! What beauty!
Everyone was so finely dressed
Adorned in gold and twinkling jewels.

I felt ashamed of the worn, plain dress that I wore.
But my heart was proud,
So I walked forward like a haughty queen.
Pretending to be something that I wasn’t.

All of the people were dancing and laughing
Their faces were aglow with joy and innocence.
The ladies all spun and twirled
While the gentlemen strongly took their hands to lead.

I forgot worrying about my dress as I openly examined them
They were so happy, so beautiful, how? Why?
I had seen this group of people around before.
They weren’t the strongest, or the wisest,
or the richest, or even the most successful.

They were just plain, ordinary people.

A man interrupted my thoughts as he humbly asked me to dance
I was surprised that he would ask seeing how ugly I was dressed.
But I took his hand anyways and I walked onto the floor with him.

How funny this man danced!
I had never seen anything like it before.
I found I had no idea what to do,
I imagine we looked pretty silly trying to dance.
But he smiled sympathetically towards me and gently
Showed me where to put my hands and feet.
But it was no use.

Embarrassed and still proud
I asked him instead to get me a drink.
As he disappeared I walked quickly to the restroom.
A group of ladies was there talking to one another.

When I walked in they greeted me warmly,
I was so shocked! The also didn’t seem to care
About my dress.
“Welcome sister!” they called to me.
Suspiciously I approached them.
I was accustomed to flattery, but I knew there was always a price for it.
“Tell me,” I said, “ who is this King we celebrate?”
Their eyes lit up even brighter.
“He is the Lion. He is the lamb. He is the Beginning and He is the End.
He is a warrior but gentle and true.” They almost sang to me.

“Where is he?” I asked, “I would like to see this man.”
“Why sister,” they said as we reentered the ballroom,
“He is one His throne.”
And then one of the women gestured toward the far end of the ballroom.

I looked were she gestured.
How had I not seen this throne before?
Everything in the room led toward it.
All of the people would consistently glance up and beam in that direction.
How had I missed this?

The throne was large and made of solid gold.
Decorated with fancy inscriptions and pictures of battles.
It shone like a beacon under the lamps.

On this magnificent throne sat a man,
And a very simple man at that.
His gazed was filled with fierce love for his people
As the danced before Him.
And He held the attitude of strong authority.

Despite his plainness there was something
About him that made him very beautiful to me.
He was robed and crowned in splendor.

This was the beloved King that I had never heard of.

As I gazed on this powerful King my shame grew.
I realized how truly ugly I was.
My pride swelled and I became very defensive
About my shortcomings.
I began to dislike the king a little.

He made me feel dirty and broken.
But I was strong; I was independent
I was fine.

I turned to leave this place.
To leave these silly people who danced differently.
To leave this King who penetrated my defenses.
I turned to flee because I was scared.

But, as I turned, the King caught my eye.
I froze.

Slowly, He rose from His throne and a hush fell over the ballroom
Everyone slowed.
I couldn’t move at all. All I could do
Was stare at this majestic King.

He began to walk toward me
And all the people parted to let Him through.
My heart started beating wildly, violently
I felt it would jump out of my chest at any moment.

When he was almost to me I crumbled.
I fell to my knees and touched my forehead to the floor

Who was I to receive such attention?
I was dirty, and ugly and lost, why me?
He should be approaching the most beautiful of ladies
Or the strongest of gentlemen.

He should throw a whore like me out.

When he reached me He gently whispered
“Daughter, rise and let me see you.”

‘No!’ I thought
‘He must never see me. I am not fit to be seen.’
I didn’t want to face His repulsion.

I felt His hand gently pressing my head
And my resistance fell away.
I rose and stood before the King.
It took a while, but I finally got the courage to look upon His face.

Oh! What I saw there!
His eyes were lit with adoration.
This King clearly thought that I was beautiful

He held His hand out for mine.
I withdrew slightly.

“I-I don’t know how to dance in your fashion, my Lord.”
I dropped my head in shame as I stammered.

“I will teach you.” His voice was gentle and sounded like music, “It won’t be easy, and you will fail many times, but I will be with you always and I will protect you.”

I knew that was my heart’s greatest desire.
I stared at His hand.
Could I trust this man?
Would He grow tired of me?

I had never trusted my well being to anyone else
I had always taken care of myself.
Why should I trust this King?

But for some reason, I decided that I could.

Trembling, I reached out and took His hand.
His gaze held so much love for me
I felt I should be swallowed by it.

With His other hand he removed his royal robe and draped it over me
“Welcome home, Beloved.”

He led me to the floor and held me close to Him.
The music played and we began to dance.

At first, I tried to dance the way I learned from home
But the King shook His head and corrected me gently,
“Let me lead, Beloved.” He whispered.

I relented and melted into His strength and
I followed His movements until
we moved as one across the dance floor.

Again, I wondered why the King chose
To invite me into His kingdom.
I was so unworthy and so unclean.
How would I fit into His kingdom?

Almost as if He read my thoughts, the King stopped dancing
And lead me toward one of the mirrors in the hall.

I gasped

My dirty, ugly dress had been replaced by a flowing blue gown.
Flowers were braided into my hair and I was decorated with jewels like a Christmas tree.

I was so clean…
I was so beautiful…
I was so transformed…

I couldn’t breathe for a full minute

I turned to look at my King
His gaze full of adoration and love

I fell into his arms and wept overwhelmed by all He had given me.
He held me close and let His love wash over me.
I was home, I was safe.

He leaned back and looked more serious as He said,
“This isn’t the end, this is only the beginning.
The road will be hard and uncomfortable.
You will be hurt and tried and you will want to give up.”

I thought silently for a moment, weighing my options.
Finally I looked at my King, who I love dearly, and said:

“I will go where you go,
I will say what you say,
I will see what you see.
I want to be with you always.”


He smiled at me and leaned closer to whisper in my ear…

“So be it.”



*The above is metaphorical representation of my love story with Christ
(This post has the blogworthy seal of approval from Joshua)

Grace

Wonderful grace!
I wrap myself in it
free from sin, free from guilt
free to delight in my Savior
free to stand boldly in His presence

grace is like the sun tingling on my skin
after a long, hard winter

grace is the sum of things
I could never hope for plus so much more

grace makes me dance
grace makes me cry
grace is what makes me beautiful
grace is what allows me to die


amazing grace indeed...

Six years and counting

So I don't know how many of you all know this, but I turned six years old this week. and it's a really exciting time for me because it marks the day that I decided to die and become a new creation in Christ. I've been walking with Jesus for six years. That's incredible to me. Around my anniversary every year I always do a lot of reflecting (well...a lot ore than usual) about where God has brought me and everything that he has led me through. It's pretty awesome to look back and see just how much God has had is hand in everything that has happened.

I drew the picture above a couple of weeks before I started college. I had been really nervous about starting school soon and I was praying and thinking a lot about it, and throughout the week God had reminded me about all sorts of things that I had been anxious about before and yet He had led me through them, and it was like he was gently (and rhetorically) asking me why this time would be any different. So I decided to express this revelation. I think it's a pretty good way to remember the peace God offers and a good illustration as I reflect over my walk.

I guess I would just encourage you to reflect over the places God has taken you, the obstacles you've overcome, and even his goodness amidst your failures and shortcomings. It's a pretty powerful thing to have stored in your memory because sometimes I get really worried or fearful of something but I remember God's faithfulness to me in the past and that knowledge makes it easier for me to trust in the sovereignty of His plans...which comes with a sense of peace.

The way God works is so beautiful to me. I wish that I could see it happening more often instead of realizing it in hindsight. I also think it's really cool how Jesus never makes us the promise that following Him will be easy (which it's not) but it's totally worth it to experience the life God designed for us to live.


Living in Christ is definitely an adventure...but I wouldn't have life any other way :)

Lost in Heaven's Symphony

College has been very interesting...
But good.
Very good.

There have been some high moments and some low moments but overall God has just been really faithful. I really feel that Tech is the right place for me to be (not that I ever thought any different, I just ran into a lot of confirmation this past week)

this weekend was especially good, I think.
The whole end of last week and this weekend was beautifully orchestrated by God and it was wonderful to be in the center of it all.

On Thursday I took this amazing walk through campus. and I didn't actually want to take it, but God has a way of nudging things in the direction He wants them to go :). I was trying to take the bus back to my room (even though it was beautiful outside) because I was kind of far away and I was in a particularly lazy mood. So I am standing there with a ton of other people waiting for the bus to come, ( we had to wait for a while) and when one finally got there so many people quickly pushed past me so that by the time I got to the bus, it was so packed with people that I couldn't even get on it! (they were literally packed to the doors). I was kind of bitter and frustrated and since I had already waited for a while for the first bus I decided that I would just walk back. So I put in my ear phones so I could listen to music while I walked.

And it was weird, but as I walked I just let go of the tension and frustration and really listened to the words of the songs that were praising God. And gradually as I walked on, God opened my eyes and my heart to things on campus and within people that I guess I just missed before. Like how beautiful the world around me is, and how he created it all to praise Him...and it occurred to me that he had placed me amidst all of this beauty in the middle of Atlanta. I was in the middle of the GIANT symphony singing out God's name and I was there to praise God as well. It was the first time since arriving on campus that I actually felt like I was a part of the new community that I live in. It was the first time that I felt like I was home. It was absolutely fantastic and reminded me again just how much God completes me :)

I love being reminded of that.


Also, this weekend I went a trip with the Navigators that was really awesome.
I love camping and being out in the woods so I already knew that it would be fun...but i have to tell you, rafting was AMAZING. I had a blast.

But more than just having fun I met some truly neat and genuine people.

I rode down with Chelsea and two guys we'd never met named David and Nathan. We got so lost so many times (we crossed state borders 10 times over the two days) and it took us almost 2 hours longer to get there than we had originally planned. But we had so much fun, and I think that us being lost bonded us closer together as we had to try and figure out the roads together.

Nathan was so funny and so easy-going, I love that about him. He was easy to talk to and very genuine. AND his girlfriend goes to UGA so I might have found somebody to bum a ride off of to go see Kate :)

As the driver, David had a lot to tackle. But he was our fearless leader and he did very well I thought. He was a bit quieter than Nathan but I enjoyed his company very much. God has truly given him a compassionate heart and I think that God will use David a lot to reach many people in Africa.

We got there eventually, but very late. I didn't really get the chance to meet too many people that night because it was so dark but it was nice to have Rachel, Russell, Mallori, Joshua, and Molly there to hang out with. It was a fun night and the stars were out in full form. It was beautiful...breathtakingly beautiful. It was wonderful to sing to Jesus by starlight :)

hmmm


the next day we went rafting and I was pretty excited about it because I had never done it before. Nathan and Nate were telling me stories on the bus ride up there about times they had been rafting and they were getting me all excited. I ended up being in a raft with Nathan, Jon, Rachel, Samantha, and Claire. I definitely feel closer to all of them after being in a raft with them for 3 hours and having to work together through the rapids :)

I actually managed somehow to not fall out of the raft at all. It's kind of shocking actually. But we got plenty wet and Jeff (our rafting guide) let us swim a little.

Oh Jeff... goofiest man alive
I think that he was the reason this experience is so memorable.
He's been rafting forEVER and really likes to give people a hard time. He called me sunshine and picked on Jon and Nathan a lot :)
the guys were up front (so they led), so whenever they weren't paying attention or not together Jeff would call them girls or boy scouts or some other type of insult. It was funny but both Nathan and Jon were very graceful about it and played along. One time I got to sit up front and I will tell you that leading is not as easy as I thought it would be so props to Nathan and Jon.

Every now and then Jeff would have us stick our paddles in the air and yell YEHAW! as loud as we could. It was sort of like our battle cry, I loved it :)
But the best part about being in Jeff's raft, though, was the fact that he had this giant water gun that he would shoot other rafts with. Nobody could really compete with us :)...
Some tried, though, and every time time someone would get us wet Jeff would say "In my raft, we're family, and NOBODY messes with my family" and then he would shoot them back.

But I really did feel like we were family even though I didn't know Jon, Samantha, or Claire very well. They were very nice and wanted to get to know me. Jon and I swapped Peru stories (he had gone to Peru a while ago). and Claire and I got to sit up front together and lean over the raft (like boat ornaments) and we chanted together pretending to be "one with the water". and I was sitting next to Samantha so I was thrown into her lap more than once during the course of the trip.

It was so much fun and I would not be sorry to see "Jumpin' Jeff" again :)


and last, but not least, as my weekend adventure closes...I came home Today (Sunday) and went to church.

It was...weird

I didn't realize how weird it would be. But it was good for me. It helped me to see how much I had already let go of the old chapter of my life and embraced the newest one. Seeing everybody was so nice and it felt good to know how much I am missed, but for the first time I realized that I have really moved on. I felt almost...out of place sort of. And I noticed that I kept referring to Atlanta as home. I really felt like a visitor.

I think I am finally transitioning (and a lot faster than I thought I would too). It's a cool sort of feeling. Just a lot to think about and talk to God about. But mostly I have just reached a place of tranquility...at least of the subject of transitioning to college. It's nice :)



Oh, Lord
The way You move astounds me
the way You orchestrate the world awes me

You are the master conductor
and I am watching your baton...
waiting for your signal
as I play my life song, strong and sure.

Thank you for caring enough about my heart
to minister to me...to provide emotionally for me

I thank you that YOU are the one who arms me with strength
and make my way perfect
Thank you for reaching down from on high and taking
hold of me :)
thank you for delighting in me
thank you for rescuing me

te amo con todo mi ser
brillare para ti

Illinois Woohoo!

SO Foster is the cutest kid in the history of children. He's absolutely beautiful and very active, I love him so much. I loved spending a week in the Dakin household just because of all the knowledge that I gain by watching the pair of them and how they are raising their family. I don't live in a household that walks with Christ and I certainly wasn't raised in one either and so that leaves me with a lot of questions about how I will raise my children. Obviously I learned certain things from my parents that are very important but I have no idea how to teach children the love of God and about having a deeply rooted faith. I have no role model or example to follow I only have the Spirit to guide me (which don't get me wrong, is MORE than enough), but I'm just not sure what a Jesus-serving household looks like or how it operates. SO it's really neat for me to live with Aly and JR for a week to see how their household is set up. Like right now, for instance, they've canceled their internet and television for the summer in order to save some money and purge their household of the messages of the world. Doing something like that in my household would be unheard of. And Aly prays in Foster's room every night as he is falling asleep that he would grow to be big and strong not only physically but in his faith also. 

      Being with them just gives me a lot to think about how to invite God's presence into my future household. 

      On a friendship level, though, I always enjoy Aly's presence. Even being pregnant, Aly carries a spirit of peace with her and wisdom. I love listening to her stories and hearing her advice. She truly cares about me and wishes to see God move in some awesome ways in my life. Aly is what I imagine an older sister would be like. She is protective and wise, but young enough to be considered a friend that you can see movies and talk about boys with. I enjoy her fellowship and I hope to know her, JR, and Foster for a very long time

Undiscovered...

     SO for today I chose to tell you about my FASET (orientation) experience and other thoughts for college. 

FASET was a lot of fun and actually very informative.

     Yes, the sessions were repetitive (but I need to be told things more than once) and sometimes boring, but it gave me a lot of peace about living on my own and I think it gave my mom a lot of peace about me living on my own also. Looking at the social aspect, it was okay. Your average person is pretty decent at meeting new people so it was probably a nice environment for them but I, as I am sure you are aware, am not you average person and am therefore terrible at meeting new people. I did, however, get to see some people from high school that I hadn't seen in a while (including a few I didn't even know were going to tech) and catch up with them, which is always nice. And Brad was there, and he's better at meeting people than I am, so he made it easier. Actually one guy that he met, Jason, hung out with me that night at the social and he was really neat. After hanging out for a couple of hours he randomly turns to me and goes "So your a Chrstian?" and I was like "Well, yes" and he was like "Neat!" and then we spent the rest of the night talking about our faiths and how we came to know the awesome love of God. It was so random but wonderful and meeting him really ministered to my spirit. It sounds silly but during the course of the night I started to feel very lonely (which is so silly and such a spiritual attack). My FASET leaders were telling the kids where to get alcohol and how to get fake IDs and I just felt very sad for all of them and angry at the leaders for opening up all of the doors for these kids to mess up their lives. College will be very different, I think. But God reminded me that night that He uses people like Jason and I to salt the Earth to spread his love. Not so that we may clump together but so that we may spread the flavor. I think the college environment will stimulate a lot of growth in my walk with Jesus.

    Another neat person that I met was my FASET roommate, Hilary. We stayed up so late talking about life and family and college. She was so easy to talk to and very unassuming. It was very relaxing to be around her. I have no idea where her heart is with God, but He still used her to touch me. I would not be sorry to know her better at tech this fall. She has a beautiful soul and a very good eye for people. 

     So I thought I did pretty well for having intimate conversations with two new people that I met. Of course I met others as well that i talked to for like five minutes. I met a kid named Pierce who went to GAC and lives on the floor above me in Caldwell and another girl who was in my FASET group who has done every teenage stereotypical "bad" thing and is very proud of that fact and will gladly tell you all about it. But as heartbreaking as it was, her honesty was refreshing and her smile was sincere. I liked her very much although she only had eyes for Zach Dreybus (who introduced us), so we didn't talk for very long. 

     Going to college will be the same type of jump from middle to high school only this time I will be prepared in for the shock in the openness of sin. Ever since leaving Metropolitan my faith has always been my own and so I am not worried about feeding myself. I am not worried so much about finding the comfort of a good christian group, although the teachings will be helpful and the fellowship encouraging, I am more worried about accomplishing the purpose that God is sending me to tech to fulfill. I am constantly aware of my inadequacy as a vessel for God's use. That is why it is so awesome that I serve a God powerful enough to work despite my weaknesses and failures. 

Lord Give me your strength as I enter this next chapter of my life,

not strength to necessarily succeed,

But strength to delight in suffering and uncomfortableness...

because I know you are using it to shape me.

Strength to see you in my failures...

because the one who is in me is greater than the one who is in the world

Strength to remember the battle is already won...

and that a day will come when I will call you husband

Strength to fight the good fight...

Because the harvest is plenty but the workers are few

Strength to take up my cross and put off the old self...

for a seed must die before it multiplies.

Strength to enter a world full of darkness

and know the you, The Light, has already gone before me

I love you, Eylon

And I will follow you

for you are my savior

my king

my friend

and my protector

Gloria a Dios 

Confession...

I've done so much this summer and I haven't blogged about any of it...so sad.

So I've decided that every day this week I will review some significant event that has happened this summer and maybe upload some pictures of it too! So here is what is to come:

1. VBS X-treme

2. Illinois with JR and Aly

3. Peru!

4. FASET/ thoughts of college

5. Personal stuff/ things that God is teaching me

And I might not put them in that order either. We'll just see how I feel later n about it. 

So I guess I'll start with X-treme.

      It was awesome! If you had asked me before that week whether I thought 5th graders liked me that much and I would have said absolutely not at all. But hanging out with those kids was an absolute blast, and they taught me a lot about leadership and how to teach children about God. Jonathan Noa and I were the blue team leaders (Whoo Go blue!). We a neat group of kids, some of our boys were a little immature (as expected) but the girls I had were so beautiful. I love them. We had small group time every day and they asked me some really good questions about middle school and about Jesus. I loved pouring into them. And one time ( I forget how this topic got started) but I got to tell them story and how I came to love Jesus and how important it was for them to accurately reflect Christ because they could save somebody's soul. They seemed to be really listening too, they were all quiet and looking right at me (undivided attention was unusual). I really enjoyed talking with them. I think Jonathan had a harder time just because he is more passive than I am and his boys were more ADD than my girls were. So I would look over at his small group and two of the boys would be up running around while the others were having small group. Jon didn't seem to mind. 

     On a less serious note though it was so messy! The first day was a water day so we got soaked through different games and such. I actually won the counselor challenge that day. It wasn't because I'm awesome or anything it was really because Kyle and the yellow male counselor got each other out at the same time and I was the only one left (we had to knock the other counselors cups of water out of their hands). But it was still fun to win and it was fun to see how excited my kids were about our team winning. We won squad of the day that first day and that was very exciting (we had a ton of spirit). The next day we had a chocolate syrup tug-of-war and me and Jonathan almost won but, I tell you what, Dustin Sutton is a lot stronger than you would think he is. I forget all of the other challenges but one day for the camper challenge the kids had to lick chocolate syrup off of a piece of plastic and our kids (Well Caroline) won that one. Caroline was so tough I loved her. She was doing the slip n' slide one of the days and she accidentally sipped her pants while she was sliding. I felt so bad for her but she didn't look too embarrassed even though it was a pretty bad rip. Luckily I had some extra shorts I could give her to change into. And then another day the counselor challenge was to get in these giant bumper things and knock our opponents out of the circle. The guys didn't compete with us girls so I won the challenge for the girls that day. It was way exciting. In the end we had a lot of fun and our kids were fantastic ad I thought we were going to win squad of the week, but we didn't, the green team did. But my kids (who all thought we were going to win also) handled it so maturely. I was so proud of them and what good sports they were that i don't even care that we lost. 

      The Wednesday was the shift invasion and I was really excited about seeing my girls there. Only 4 or 5 of the 15 showed up but I was so happy to be there for them. As it turned out they didn't really need me that much and I didn't have to help them get plugged in at all, but it was still fun to be able to let them know that they are cared for and if the had needed help I would have been there in a second. I care very much about the 14 girls that were in my group that week. I wish that I had a picture of us all to put up here and I meant to take one on the last day but I forgot :/

Overall it was messy, exhausting, time consuming, but well-worth it. It was beautiful, inspiring, fun, and very personal. I thank God for giving me the chance to pour into some of the next generation.

te amo Dios :)

Master to Husband

SO last weekend my sister, my mother, and I went to South Carolina because last Friday my great aunt Joyce passed away and we were going with my aunt Julie, cousin Jessica, and my grandparents to attend her funeral.

Joyce was a wonderful person. I often talked to her during the summer when I was sending out support letters, she would always call to find out more information so she could be praying for me. She was always supportive of everything I did for the Kingdom even though I was her sister's grandchild and not her own. When my mom told me that she was very sick and would probably pass away in a week or two I was very sad for Wofford (her husband). They had been married for 61 years! 61 years!....61 years! That is so awesome. I had the pleasure of Wofford telling me the story of how the two of them met, it wasn't a terribly romantic situation but I could see God's hand in all of it, which made it very beautiful. It is sort of scary to think that they got married when they were 17 (a year younger than me), but still. I was also sad for Mimi (my grandmother, Joyce's sister). It must be strange to lose a sibling, especially if you're relatively close in age.

But mostly I was happy. I didn't feel like crying at her funeral. I am terribly joyful that she is, right now, being married to God. It makes me laugh when I think about how she has shed her worn out, cancer-filled body...and has been given a new one to last forever. I can see her dancing or running or laughing. Perfect. Beautiful. Complete. I cannot even bring myself to be sad.

One neat thing that she requested to have at her funeral was an evangelical outreach. SO the pastor got up and started telling us all about Christ's love, and then asked if anyone would like to receive Christ (we had our heads bowed so I don't know if anyone did). But I thought that it was so neat that Joyce chose to continue ministering to others even at her own funeral. But I guess that's just who Joyce was. I was reminded that day about how I have no desire to ever have a funeral, but in stead a celebration of life. It'd be okay if people miss me, but I don't want them to be sad that I'm finally with my Savior.

I will miss Joyce's influence in my life very much, but I am dancing with Joy that she is with the Love of her life, her Savior, her Maker, and now her Husband.

An Epic Adventure

Transitional times in my life are really interesting... I used to hate them a lot. Consistency is something that I have always valued a lot and has made me feel safe. Now, however, I get kind of excited about change. It's always hard to leave behind that which is secure and comfortable, but I get really excited about where God will take me in the next couple of years.

I've been having this feeling a lot lately, where I feel like I'm about to start a new adventure. And it's more than just college I think. Something is stirring inside of me, like the spiritual season in my soul is changing also. Where will Jesus lead me this time?


...

Pslam 139: 23-24

This is the cry of my heart...


Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.



Lord,
I am messy
and gross
and broken...

But I would ask that you would search me
Shine your beautiful light into every crevice of my soul
Expose my every vice, my every sin, anything that would separate us.

It is painful
and uncomfortable
and embarrassing

but as is the process of being refined

Give me a spirit that is willing
and arms that are strong
That I might stand boldly in your light
and allow you to wash me
cleaning every part.

I want to be a blameless and pure child
Not for my glory
but for yours

Hear my heart
Come and hold me

You are gentle yet firm
Lover of my soul




Come away with me...

The Great Romance

SO...one of the most overused passages in the bible is 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

The whole love is patient, love is kind bit.
And you usually hear this verse recited at weddings so everyone assumes that it's in reference to the love between a man and a woman. Well I think that when Paul wrote that I don't think he was referring to just that type of love (especially since he was celibate). He was referring to the love between all people. Jesus says to 'love' our neighbor, so shouldn't that verse apply to that too.


Love is patient,
Love is Kind.
It does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude,
it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
always trusts,
always hopes,
and always perseveres

Love never fails.


Tell me, do you love people like that?
I don't.

I think I struggle the most with not being easily angered and keeping record of wrongs. It's a hard order to fill, but that is the type of love that God has for us, and it's the type of love that God expects other people to have for one another (i.e. His love).


This is one of my favorite verses in the bible because this is when everything clicked for me. You see, before I became a christian, I had this really messed up idea of what love was. Just the environment I grew up in, the people that I hung out with, the movies I watched, the music I listened to, everything told me that love was this emotion that existed to make me feel good and to serve my own needs. The world convinced me that love existed to give me an excuse to hurt other people (Oh, I LOVE him, so that makes it okay if I blow off my friends).


So when I finally did accept Christ, it was very hard for me to understand a God of love when everything I knew about love was a lie from Satan himself. I remember talking to a leader about it at my church and they gave me this verse. I remember reading it and thinking there is no way that I can ever love somebody like that. Being patient all the time? NOT self-seeking? Not keeping record of wrongs? Impossible.


But I came to find that that was the most beautiful part of love: that it is absolutely impossible...without the strength of God...who's very essence is love (1 John 4: 8). I think that was the coolest beginning of my transformation: learning to love myself in the way that God does, learning to love God in a way that is selfless, and learning to love others in a way that is pure. I soon found out that the whole Christianity thing was ALL about love!


The Great Romance.

The heart behind the disease

I think that the church (Jesus' followers) have a very large problem today with nonbelievers...they tend to look at a person's disease instead of their heart. Aren't we, as the forgiven, the receivers of grace, the most qualified to overlook what lost people are struggling with? Shouldn't we, as the changed and transformed, know that Jesus has to change our hearts before he can change our shirts?

After all...
A person could be faithful
They could give up smoking pot
They could become sober
They could be a wonderful parent,
A Loyal friend,
They could recycle,
They could be a Patriot,
They could be full of wisdom,
Full of honor,
A Charity donor,
They could be everything that the world defines (and even the church) as a "good person"...

BUT

If they do not have Jesus none of that matters

Jesus is not looking for works...we all fall short of his glory
Jesus is looking for Disciples...people who answer his call


So why then, when we look at prostitutes, homosexuals, pot heads, or alcoholics, do we only see their sin? Is a person who struggles with homosexuality any worse than a person who is tempted with gossiping, or slandering, or self-righteousness?


Not is my Master's eyes...and so they shan't be mine eyes neither

All fall short of the glory of God
Righteous and sinners alike
all that we have is Jesus

Hosea 2:14

I want to put this down so that I never forget...

I can't eat
I can't sleep
I feel desperately lonely

I cannot explain myself

I've been like this for the past 3 or 4 weeks
and it's been awful
terrible

Caroline thinks I'm in love (Which I KNOW that I'm not)
Derek thinks I want to be in love (Also not true)
Kate thinks I'm in love with Jesus (True, but probably not causing this)

In truth, I feel like a shell of a person.
I don't enjoy music,
or food,
or sleeping,
or dancing,
or anything that I normally take pleasure in.

It's almost like I'm living in a world of faded colors. It's awful.
Something is wrong.
And I have no idea what it is.

Perhaps my conscience is telling me that I'm doing something outside of God's call on my life.
Perhaps Satan is attacking my heart.
Perhaps there is something medically wrong with me and I'm going mad.
All I know is that I am in desperate need of the peace that can only come from the Lord my Father.

I haven't felt this....hollow since before I was a Christian. It feels like I have that God-shaped hole opened back up in my heart.
I forgot how lonely it was back then.

Maybe this is so I will never forget what life was like before I fell in love with Jesus.
I do know that whatever is happening now, or whatever will happen in th future, but I am continually drawing near to God because I know that He is the only One who will rescue my heart.

I can feel Him building up my perseverance, and in turn my character, and in turn my hope.
I can feel him using my suffering to mature me, so that I am not lacking anything.

It is a comfort to know that God is molding me closer to him even through my suffering.

Sometimes, when I'm alone with God, and I can feel His presence heavy on me like a warm blanket, I lie there, on a brief vacation from all that troubles me, and I know deep down that He's still there. Watching my pain and watching my faith. It's strange, but at those moments, I'm so grateful for this rough season. Grateful that I am able to show the only man I've ever been in love with just how deep my love runs.

I have not been this desperate for God's presence in my life for a very, very long time.

It feels wrong to give advice
It feels wrong to lead
It felt wrong to speak at the Warehouse last night
knowing that something is not right in my heart

but I suppose I cannot wait to be perfect to step out in faith. I'd be waiting for forever.

I am lucky enough to be surrounded by people that I can be honest with, that I can tell them that I don't have it all together and that I am struggling right now. People that don't look at me any different because of it, but instead pray for me and comfort me. It makes me feel less lonely inside.

And my prayer is that I never forget this feeling
ever
that I never lose this desperation
this dependency on God

It makes me sad to think that God has to lead me into the desert to make me desperate for Him
(Kate would be laughing at me now because when I described to her how I felt she quoted Hosea 2 to me and I told her she was wrong. Well she was right, like always)

Jesus, I'm sorry.
I long to hear you speak tenderly to me.