Master to Husband

SO last weekend my sister, my mother, and I went to South Carolina because last Friday my great aunt Joyce passed away and we were going with my aunt Julie, cousin Jessica, and my grandparents to attend her funeral.

Joyce was a wonderful person. I often talked to her during the summer when I was sending out support letters, she would always call to find out more information so she could be praying for me. She was always supportive of everything I did for the Kingdom even though I was her sister's grandchild and not her own. When my mom told me that she was very sick and would probably pass away in a week or two I was very sad for Wofford (her husband). They had been married for 61 years! 61 years!....61 years! That is so awesome. I had the pleasure of Wofford telling me the story of how the two of them met, it wasn't a terribly romantic situation but I could see God's hand in all of it, which made it very beautiful. It is sort of scary to think that they got married when they were 17 (a year younger than me), but still. I was also sad for Mimi (my grandmother, Joyce's sister). It must be strange to lose a sibling, especially if you're relatively close in age.

But mostly I was happy. I didn't feel like crying at her funeral. I am terribly joyful that she is, right now, being married to God. It makes me laugh when I think about how she has shed her worn out, cancer-filled body...and has been given a new one to last forever. I can see her dancing or running or laughing. Perfect. Beautiful. Complete. I cannot even bring myself to be sad.

One neat thing that she requested to have at her funeral was an evangelical outreach. SO the pastor got up and started telling us all about Christ's love, and then asked if anyone would like to receive Christ (we had our heads bowed so I don't know if anyone did). But I thought that it was so neat that Joyce chose to continue ministering to others even at her own funeral. But I guess that's just who Joyce was. I was reminded that day about how I have no desire to ever have a funeral, but in stead a celebration of life. It'd be okay if people miss me, but I don't want them to be sad that I'm finally with my Savior.

I will miss Joyce's influence in my life very much, but I am dancing with Joy that she is with the Love of her life, her Savior, her Maker, and now her Husband.

An Epic Adventure

Transitional times in my life are really interesting... I used to hate them a lot. Consistency is something that I have always valued a lot and has made me feel safe. Now, however, I get kind of excited about change. It's always hard to leave behind that which is secure and comfortable, but I get really excited about where God will take me in the next couple of years.

I've been having this feeling a lot lately, where I feel like I'm about to start a new adventure. And it's more than just college I think. Something is stirring inside of me, like the spiritual season in my soul is changing also. Where will Jesus lead me this time?


...

Pslam 139: 23-24

This is the cry of my heart...


Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.



Lord,
I am messy
and gross
and broken...

But I would ask that you would search me
Shine your beautiful light into every crevice of my soul
Expose my every vice, my every sin, anything that would separate us.

It is painful
and uncomfortable
and embarrassing

but as is the process of being refined

Give me a spirit that is willing
and arms that are strong
That I might stand boldly in your light
and allow you to wash me
cleaning every part.

I want to be a blameless and pure child
Not for my glory
but for yours

Hear my heart
Come and hold me

You are gentle yet firm
Lover of my soul




Come away with me...

The Great Romance

SO...one of the most overused passages in the bible is 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

The whole love is patient, love is kind bit.
And you usually hear this verse recited at weddings so everyone assumes that it's in reference to the love between a man and a woman. Well I think that when Paul wrote that I don't think he was referring to just that type of love (especially since he was celibate). He was referring to the love between all people. Jesus says to 'love' our neighbor, so shouldn't that verse apply to that too.


Love is patient,
Love is Kind.
It does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude,
it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
always trusts,
always hopes,
and always perseveres

Love never fails.


Tell me, do you love people like that?
I don't.

I think I struggle the most with not being easily angered and keeping record of wrongs. It's a hard order to fill, but that is the type of love that God has for us, and it's the type of love that God expects other people to have for one another (i.e. His love).


This is one of my favorite verses in the bible because this is when everything clicked for me. You see, before I became a christian, I had this really messed up idea of what love was. Just the environment I grew up in, the people that I hung out with, the movies I watched, the music I listened to, everything told me that love was this emotion that existed to make me feel good and to serve my own needs. The world convinced me that love existed to give me an excuse to hurt other people (Oh, I LOVE him, so that makes it okay if I blow off my friends).


So when I finally did accept Christ, it was very hard for me to understand a God of love when everything I knew about love was a lie from Satan himself. I remember talking to a leader about it at my church and they gave me this verse. I remember reading it and thinking there is no way that I can ever love somebody like that. Being patient all the time? NOT self-seeking? Not keeping record of wrongs? Impossible.


But I came to find that that was the most beautiful part of love: that it is absolutely impossible...without the strength of God...who's very essence is love (1 John 4: 8). I think that was the coolest beginning of my transformation: learning to love myself in the way that God does, learning to love God in a way that is selfless, and learning to love others in a way that is pure. I soon found out that the whole Christianity thing was ALL about love!


The Great Romance.

The heart behind the disease

I think that the church (Jesus' followers) have a very large problem today with nonbelievers...they tend to look at a person's disease instead of their heart. Aren't we, as the forgiven, the receivers of grace, the most qualified to overlook what lost people are struggling with? Shouldn't we, as the changed and transformed, know that Jesus has to change our hearts before he can change our shirts?

After all...
A person could be faithful
They could give up smoking pot
They could become sober
They could be a wonderful parent,
A Loyal friend,
They could recycle,
They could be a Patriot,
They could be full of wisdom,
Full of honor,
A Charity donor,
They could be everything that the world defines (and even the church) as a "good person"...

BUT

If they do not have Jesus none of that matters

Jesus is not looking for works...we all fall short of his glory
Jesus is looking for Disciples...people who answer his call


So why then, when we look at prostitutes, homosexuals, pot heads, or alcoholics, do we only see their sin? Is a person who struggles with homosexuality any worse than a person who is tempted with gossiping, or slandering, or self-righteousness?


Not is my Master's eyes...and so they shan't be mine eyes neither

All fall short of the glory of God
Righteous and sinners alike
all that we have is Jesus

Hosea 2:14

I want to put this down so that I never forget...

I can't eat
I can't sleep
I feel desperately lonely

I cannot explain myself

I've been like this for the past 3 or 4 weeks
and it's been awful
terrible

Caroline thinks I'm in love (Which I KNOW that I'm not)
Derek thinks I want to be in love (Also not true)
Kate thinks I'm in love with Jesus (True, but probably not causing this)

In truth, I feel like a shell of a person.
I don't enjoy music,
or food,
or sleeping,
or dancing,
or anything that I normally take pleasure in.

It's almost like I'm living in a world of faded colors. It's awful.
Something is wrong.
And I have no idea what it is.

Perhaps my conscience is telling me that I'm doing something outside of God's call on my life.
Perhaps Satan is attacking my heart.
Perhaps there is something medically wrong with me and I'm going mad.
All I know is that I am in desperate need of the peace that can only come from the Lord my Father.

I haven't felt this....hollow since before I was a Christian. It feels like I have that God-shaped hole opened back up in my heart.
I forgot how lonely it was back then.

Maybe this is so I will never forget what life was like before I fell in love with Jesus.
I do know that whatever is happening now, or whatever will happen in th future, but I am continually drawing near to God because I know that He is the only One who will rescue my heart.

I can feel Him building up my perseverance, and in turn my character, and in turn my hope.
I can feel him using my suffering to mature me, so that I am not lacking anything.

It is a comfort to know that God is molding me closer to him even through my suffering.

Sometimes, when I'm alone with God, and I can feel His presence heavy on me like a warm blanket, I lie there, on a brief vacation from all that troubles me, and I know deep down that He's still there. Watching my pain and watching my faith. It's strange, but at those moments, I'm so grateful for this rough season. Grateful that I am able to show the only man I've ever been in love with just how deep my love runs.

I have not been this desperate for God's presence in my life for a very, very long time.

It feels wrong to give advice
It feels wrong to lead
It felt wrong to speak at the Warehouse last night
knowing that something is not right in my heart

but I suppose I cannot wait to be perfect to step out in faith. I'd be waiting for forever.

I am lucky enough to be surrounded by people that I can be honest with, that I can tell them that I don't have it all together and that I am struggling right now. People that don't look at me any different because of it, but instead pray for me and comfort me. It makes me feel less lonely inside.

And my prayer is that I never forget this feeling
ever
that I never lose this desperation
this dependency on God

It makes me sad to think that God has to lead me into the desert to make me desperate for Him
(Kate would be laughing at me now because when I described to her how I felt she quoted Hosea 2 to me and I told her she was wrong. Well she was right, like always)

Jesus, I'm sorry.
I long to hear you speak tenderly to me.

I Am Yours

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.

Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wondering heart.

Not because of who I am.
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done.
But because of who you are.

Chorus: I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord you catch me when I'm falling,
And you told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again

Who am I?
That the voice that calm the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Not because of who I am.
But because what of you've done.
Not because of what I've done.
But because of who you are.

Chorus: I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord you catch me when I'm falling,
And you told me who I am.
I am yours.

Not because of who I am.
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done.
But because of who you are.

Chorus: I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord you catch me when I'm falling,
You told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?

'Cuz I am yours.
I am yours.